By Kaka Lucas, 17th September 2022

This has been the longest week so far over the last five months. A lot has happened, including me losing three pounds that I worked so hard to gain.

I remember clearly that I was awake from about 2 am and I couldn’t go back to sleep after that. So you can just imagine how the day will be.

While awake, I posted on Snap chat and WhatsApp statuses and answered a few texts. My sister’s son called me after seeing me online at that hour. He sounded happy. It was because he got a chance to visit Bibi after a very long time. He joked around with me then he allowed me to speak to his sister Mdem and their aunt, my cousin Biso. Then to make sure they had not run away from their mum, I spoke to Bibi who confirmed that they had gone to celebrate our only Shush’s birthday. Bibi was not invited so she did not know about it. Sad reality. That shook my heart and made my mind think a marathon of thoughts.

I also spoke to my cousin while she was traveling to celebrate with Shush. She encouraged me to lay all at Jesus’ feet. She sounded shocked, but I know things on the ground are way different from what I hear and the few moments I get to see pictures.

While awake and facing the dark in my room, I prayed for the day. Today is the first day of a series of retreats I will be having with my parishioners. I also remembered Chris and Yanique who are planning to get married in a few months’ time. Luckily, B came online and said “hello”. I opened up about what was going on since there was concern about why I am up at that hour. The replies were short and only one hit me a little differently. The last two texts left me with wide-open eyes, but I remembered the “character development” moments.

The morning became real and it was breakfast time. I wasn’t able to do my morning rituals, and though I played music, the breakfast tasted differently. I felt so out of place. I went on social media and I saw a post by Pastor West. It was a prayer, and it read, “Dear Jesus. Today, please remind me that no matter how hard I try, someone will still find a reason to judge and slander me. But keep me from wasting another day (I added, another minute) trying to people please. I’ve already been accepted. Jer. 1:5 “BEFORE You formed me in the belly You KNEW me. amen. “

While pondering on that prayer and still scrolling, I saw a post from my best artist in Kingston, Mr. Lewis.

He had this caption below the portrait he drew (He must have been seated in Cafe Blue, Liguanea, I assume). It was titled, “Don’t Judge Me” ….and he scripted this caption that said more about the portrait, “Don’t judge me, you haven’t seen what I’ve seen. Don’t judge me when you haven’t felt what I’ve felt. You’d judge me when you haven’t walked in my shoes? That’s a shame. I am what I am, I am flawed, I am human. You don’t have to like me but ask the question, what gives you the right to judge me?”

Today I thought about wanting to give up yesterday, but I am convinced being up that hour was for a reason. I didn’t do many prayers. But I am sure I whispered a few names to God. I also did fly over many places while I closed my eyes dropping prayers of best wishes. Today is a new day. I pray for the grace not to judge, and the moments that I will feel judged, for the grace to examine myself and keep moving forward.

Do not Judge me, you don’t know where I am coming from, nor where I am going.