-@kaka Lucas 8/31/2021

My Tuesday wasn’t the best after I learned that I am not going back on campus at the time I expected. My host was open enough to tell me what was going on behind the tent and to be honest my heart was broken, and my already wounded heart started to bleed. Going on, my host went ahead to ask me, “what keeps you moving, the life you have chosen isn’t easy. You are young and a lot of opportunities are out there for a young person?” I gave him the answer, but my thoughts went on and on in my head and I couldn’t tell everything in detail.

I am a thinker…I think too much, I think a lot sometimes. I question…. I question myself; I question my friends; I question authority sometimes and mostly I question God…… WHY ME…. Why do I have to go through such treatment when I have already surrendered my life to Him and Him alone. WHY am I?

There are times I felt unloved and I begged for it silently in prayer “One more time, love me just one more time.” I couldn’t hold my emotions remembering how much I long for an honest love. Love that will love me and just love me and let me love this life as if there is no other life to love.

We were all created to love and be loved. I chose this life because I saw the best love in it. I was built for love around my little family and in the Trinity.

I experienced love from my tender age: my brother and sisters, my cousins, and relatives (you know African families are big) , my friends both male and female. They loved me and I loved them. They weren’t the best. There were lots of struggles but there was also a lot of love up to date.  One thing that has maintained these relationships is good communication, respect, sacrifice, understanding and commitment. I am learning even much better to embrace words like, I love you, I am sorry, and I forgive you to make this ❤ Love more strong.

I long for love one more time. The love Saint Thomas once defined as a desire for the greatest good for another. There is nothing more convincing than to know that you are not just wanted but you are honestly loved … to know that the other person desires the greatest good for you. Longing for this love I deeply desire to center my attention on the things that truly matter, cultivating those relationships in my life that build me up.

I lost my brother a day after I had spoken to him on the phone while he was on hospital bed (this year). I had hoped he would be out soon, but Morris died and left us alone. I didn’t tell him how much I loved him and how much I was proud of him for making me the best uncle in the world.

Like me, sometimes you may be holding on to saying the words ‘I love you’. Its out of fear, worry, shame and how the other person will react. While these walls hold us from seeing the other side and voicing those lovely words, it’s good to pin them and never allow them to hinder you from telling your loved ones, ‘I love you’ …. not just in words but also in actions. 1 John 3:18 tells us that let us not love with words or speech but with actions and TRUTH.

I long for love one more time … the moment when we say to each other ‘I am sorry I messed up’…. Did you know sorry is the first step towards the healing process? It takes great courage to be genuinely sorry, for just saying sorry for the sake of verbalizing it has no meaning. It is not sincere to say sorry if I cannot admit I made an error in my action or in afflicting a wound in another person. It is in saying sorry that I manifest my humility. My apology breaks down the wall of hunger and bitterness and creates a ‘garden’ of peace and compassion.

Telling the other that you are sorry goes more than just admitting who is right and who is wrong. It is placing healing oil by pinning down and pointing out when a wrong is noticed and empathizing with the hurt afflicted to the other person. Sorry don’t fix the wrong done but at list it gives hope to build back and fill in the cracks in the relationship. Sorry means you value the relationship and the love you share.

Love me one more time. Sorry is one step but “I forgive you” is another step higher. I believe you remember when curious disciple Peter went to ask Jesus, “Lord, if my brother keeps on sinning against me, how many times do I forgive him? Seven times? No, not seven times, ‘answered Jesus, “but seven time seven (Matt 18:21-22). 

Lol!

That sounds very easy like one plus one! For sure it is not hard but to live it in our society daily is challenging. It takes conscious decision, willingness from within to let go of the bitterness, resentment, hurts and grudges.

But in a real sense when we contemplate how much God knows us and He chooses to let go and love us…it should be easy for us to forgive others (just saying).

Yes, it is a process to forgive. It is also not hooking off the offender and letting them get out free while we forget about the hurt. It frees and allows us to move forward. It’s a divine action that sets us in motion towards God’s grace and love so that in return we can offer it to those we encounter.

Love me one more time……. I know it’s messy, and tough to love but I am worthy of the love. Love me one more time and allow me to grow…. Just let love be! Let me love again one more time.

The world is hungering for love … I am convinced that the world is experiencing what I will call the ‘pandemic of love’. Be its healer….just love one more time.

“Father God, I am in a messy relationship. I feel unloved and unwanted. I feel unappreciated. I feel I am going to lose you, but you said your grace is sufficient for me. Please hold my hand and let me behold the beauty of your temple.”