By – Kaka Lucas

I always get frightened when those above me call me for a talk especially when I am not prepared or expecting it. This month my spiritual director sent me a text for our usual meeting something that he don’t usually do. Such a call or text moves my heart right from my chest to my mouth. I do set the dates but this time my director ask which dates was okay for me. This never sound so right with me, he never ask me that but he reminds me. What is not happening here? I did psychological test few weeks ago. Are the results out and am I ….. a lot of thoughts run across my mind. On the other hand, deep in my heart I knew it’s time for my “heart” spiritual check-up and I do needed it. Spiritual direction has been a strong pillar for me for the last two years since I took it serious to see my director every month. Have been shaped, like a wood have been carved, or a pot on potters hand have been moulded.  Like gold I am put into hot fire so I can shine as I should. Every time I come out of that office I come out better than I went in. But this time, something different happened that pinned itself in the centre of my mind. Though I come out better than I went inside, I come out also with a lot of insights. I believe as I get this help I will be able to help you and you reading this. WHO AM I? Really! Do I understand ‘WHO I AM?’ Do I know ‘WHO I AM?’

To explore this question honestly, I had to run away from town, even in the midst of mid-term exams, presentations and final papers, I had to find time by myself, quiet with me and God.To explore really who I am…… Who I am today depends on a lot of things and each of them must be properly discerned so as not interfere with divine plans of God. Will it be people I meet and interact with, challenges that I face or experiences I am put into and how I handle them. For real, the question of who am I seems to be the simplest question one can answer. Yet, when now that I have taken time to try figure out Who truly am I, I find this question is the one that requires critical thinking.

Who really am I? …….A person’s identity is like a diamond that is shaped slowly until it becomes a jewel. I have never been in any job interview but I have been through customs at the airport, I have accessed articles on the internet, and on many occasions, I have been asked to give personal data. As I said, it is easy to provide information as name, date of birth, occupation, nationality, height, weight and the colour of our eyes. We may in many even list certain features of our character and hobbies, whether we are good at sports; whether we tend to put on weight easily; whether we are optimistic or pessimistic, extroverted or shy. But is it not true that at the end, we still haven’t answered the question who am I? 

What we all should know at the back of our mind is that we are strangers in this world, irreplaceable being, one of a kind in all this universe. In the entire history of the universe there have never been you/me, and what is even amazing is that when we die and are gone to the end of the world there will be no one like me/you ever again. It is easy for us to marvel at the mystery of the universe, but have you ever stopped for a minute, just to ow and to marvel at the mystery of YOU, and think, like….. ‘I am a miracle.’ You know, there is this song that says “My God is awesome, he can move mountain…” and with it I sometime wonder, did I have to exist.  How many things in the course of the history had to go just right for us to be here, right now? It seems like impossible but we are to remind ourselves that, ‘I am incredible unlike, and Yes I am. For from the first explosion of the universe I was set in motion.’ And no one could stop that motion because I was destine to be here at this time at this moment.

You know, there are may be good places to start to ponder the meaning of life but never best place starting from ‘YOU’/ME. As young children we already know who we are, and we begin to glimpse the goal, even when everything is yet to be achieved. Little by little, our identities strengthen and we become more aware of our value and mission in the world; we recognize our limitations and talents; we discover the good and evil existing in others. But all in all this is just part of me.

A writer once said,”If I don’t know who I am. How will I understand what I want?” this is to say that, truly, to find clue as to the meaning of life, we first look at ourselves. Who am I? Is there more to me/us than meet the eye? We talk with neuroscientists, we visit psychologist, we meet up composers, and artists to examine the mystery of YOU. Do that really help to know truly Who I am? If I am/you are just a body, then satisfaction in life should come from tending to the simple bodily needs. Fill your stomach, be comfortable. But there is more to me/you than that. You are material and immaterial. And that unseen part of you craves for so much more. As C.S. Lewis once said, ”If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.

Therefore maybe to truly know who I am, and to know the purpose of my very life is to know God since He is the only one who is in that other world that is everlasting! And then, through knowing Him who knows everything in heaven and on earth, I/we will be able to know truly who I AM and who we are. Note that there is difference between, knowing God and knowing about God. So the question for you and me right now is: “Do I/you know God? Do you know Him intimately like I/you know your wife; or like I/you know your best friend; or my/your children? Do I/you know Jesus Christ?” If the answer in my/your heart of hearts is, “No, I haven’t a clue”, then I/you haven’t even begun, yet to live, the purpose of MY/your life. You haven’t even begun! And definitely I do not know myself, you do not know yourself.

My life is a testimony the song writer once said. I need to be convinced of that, deep down within me. Also I need to deeply know that, I truly stand apart from all universe. Love put me in the centre of all this and I know I sometime I feel small in front of all this, but spiritually I am a massive to all this. I am made in the image and likeness of the Almighty God. I am a mind blowing in this universe. Sometime it is easy to look at the size of the whole world and feel insignificant, but I think and I believe that God above looks down with a big adorable smile and say, you are a huge to all this, what beauty you have in this universe. I AM A CHILD OF GOD.