By Seminarian Lucas J.

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Kwa baba mpedwa, (dear daddy),

Even though we have God as Our Father, have you ever thought of not having a dad? A man who you could emulate. A man with a name your first son could inherit, a man you proudly try to emulate because you are honored to call him father. A man you could call names like pap! Daddy! Dad! Mazae! Big man! Mzee! Man a yard!?

I would have wished to have one myself but death and human weakness robed me of the one I could call such names.  And those that could have taken his role proved to be wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Today the scripture reminded us to call no one father. Bishop Reece said we shouldn’t take it literally. Those with fathers or have experienced living with a biological father, do you know the pain the fatherless face? Can you walk in their shoes and feel the pain of fatherlessness.

You that consider yourselves mature enough to be fathers, regardless of if you had father or not, are you man, gentleman enough to nature the boys/girls God has brought into your lives? Are you in a position to make those calling you dad, and those see you as a father, smile or by your presence you make their heart bleed ?

I never really experienced life with my father,.I keep thinking, why you had to leave us? I think of you every time I see a father interacting with his son, and it is painful dad. I’d give anything to relive the memories of you at my class door looking for me. I wish you knew my pains associated with being fatherless. I should have held you for a longer time. Sometime I feel so aimless, worthless, powerless, heartless and helpless. I miss you baba, may be if you could have been there I would have turned into an even much better person. Mommy could be living in a safer world, safer house with you by her side. It hurts to think that you are not here anymore.        

 I cannot help smile when I look at your pictures, I look exactly like you, and that is why I am keeping my beard just like you, I cherish every moment that comes to my mind of our last night at Changamwe where we lived with mommy.

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I do get hugs here and there, but none are warm and real as yours could have been. I see sons getting hugs and kisses, and every time it reminds me of your absence.

 If I had one last chance with you baba, one more chance that I could get a hug from you. Then I could have held you tight and never let you go. Death thinks it has taken you away from me, yes it may be real but off late we have been having serious chat with each other, you are so close than before when I felt sorry for myself.

I miss you baba. Every Father’s Day is a painful reminder of your absence in our life. If only I could travel back in time and live out every single day of my childhood as if it were a grand  Father’s day celebration. As much as I mourn your absence, your death is a celebration because of the man you were. I miss you baba.

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The position for a genuine father figure remains vacant in my life. No worthy male has come forward to help me when I am frightened by life hard blows, when I am frightened by my very self. April 1994 will always remain a blurry memory to many Rwandan families, but your life will always be a vivid one, the epitome of greatness and sacrifice.

At funerals I hear people say they have lost a close dad, but I know my childhood was robbed of a male figure, a mentor, a friend and an idol if I can call you so, someone I would have grown looking up to. I want you back baba, but not on this miserable world, where you are is much better papa. I will always want to have you in my life baba. Those that come in aren’t true to themselves. They hurt me since I have no one to defend me, and they take me as a “shamba” boy. But if you were here, life could have been better maybe. Wherever you are I just want to let you know that I will make you and mommy proud. No matter what I am facing internally, spiritually, mentally and even physically due to lack of a father figure in my life. Though it seems the world has robed me of you, I will keep you safe in a place no one can reach. A safe place in my heart. I really miss you dad.