By Kaka Lucas 11^th January 2021

Yes! sometime in life it seems he is not here. The past year 2020 it seems that He was not close by, it never feel like God was really the Father spoken about in the scripture. The deaths, the pain and the hunger was too much to bear.

2021 is sister to 2020, we expect nothing different and whatever the case we still have the ‘twenty!’ for the next nine years to come. But what makes it special for me is that what good I learned during pandemic time, I will use it for my advantage no matter the challenge. Yes I want to give up, I also sometime want to disappear from the world, but life has its beauty that I may not want to miss. As I look back on life and all that has happened to me to be where I am …… now have clear understanding bit by bit……I now understand that……..

Most of the people who have been kind to mehave been through trials harder than I can imagine. The people I wish could be happy for the rest of their lives have gone through mountains of pain, valleys of sorrow and stomps of sadness. It is true that the most loving hearts often had to learn about love the hard way, maybe through people who couldn’t give it to them and the people who seems to give it but instead ended up betraying them.

Being a Christian and hearing that there is this father who knows my name, he hears me whenever I call, He sees each tear that fall and He will never leave me no matter where I go, it make me feel so special. The feeling of importance of this Father who loves me enough to die for not just me but for the whole world, it seems that simply alleviating some of my pain would be a much, much smaller task than the cross; yet, time and again, it feels like He isn’t even listening, it feels he is too far to see, and even during the walk on the wet sand of life I only see my foot print, me alone.

If I had my way, there are people I would protect from all pain and sadness ever again, including myself. But the free will that allows us to love God also means we have the choice not to. So we mess up; we make mistakes, and they lead to consequences. Worse, those consequences are not limited to us, but can affect others as well – and it seems that suffering is just entirely disproportionate, a long chain from one pain to another, from one betrayal to another. Good people get a high dose of it, while those who cause pain seem immune from its consequences. This is a reality that pain, and sometime it makes me wish I never exist in this world. But no matter how much this dilemma might be based on our own humanity, it still hurts to watch. 2021 is already hurting me, I feel betrayed by the one I love and trust, I am forced to see the one who hurt me most step up using my very back to climb up, and no one cares and no one care. For that reason …….. sometimes it can seem like God doesn’t even care, and He is not close by to see my tears.

In this retreat I am wondering and asking Him, “Papa God, if you are such a good Father, then why do you seem/feel so distance at times like these? Quoting Junior Kelly song,”If love so nice, tell me tell why I’m hurt? ….. You say that you are near, when I am hurt you are never near, tell me why love hurts?”

In my journey have met great people of great influence and there have always challenged me to be prepared to take a role. Many of them have faced very challenging moments, and they have all told me they don’t regret what led them to today (I wish I can take that seriously)– they don’t spend time wishing they could change things. Betrayal by friends or family is still hard; broken promises can be difficult to come to terms with; and of course, losing people close to you can turn your world upside down. To continue onward doesn’t mean these things don’t hurt – and it doesn’t mean they don’t wish it didn’t have to happen that way. However, they do understand that all they are today, is built on what they have gone through to arrive here. Every challenge, failure, and wrong choice is still a learning opportunity. They all agree, in different words: They are the person they are today, because of what they’ve gone through in the past. They thank God for that, and the growth it brought. And in the end (occasionally grudgingly), I have to thank God for that, too! And I am praying for the grace of docility to be grateful for those who have pushed me to those hurting moments. Those I consider enemies, they too have a big role to play in the person I am. Because when I imagine that I might not have met certain people if their lives had been different, I know that I would be different, too. I know that I would not be writing these words right now during this retreat.

A quick search for the definition of the word “good” told me that we perceive goodness as “something to be desired, or having the proper qualities for a role.” It’s the second part of that definition that struck me the most. So I have to wonder: what if difficult things are preparing us to have the “proper qualities for a role” God has in store for us? Are they more than simply tolerable, but actually contributing to our future growth?

Pope Francis in his writing reminded me that when I mess up, I can always turn to a merciful God who is willing to use even my very mistakes and hurt to bring about His plan for the world. That doesn’t make wrongs any more right; but it means they are not meritless. It means I can trust my every difficulty to be used for a greater plan than I can imagine. God doesn’t stop all my pain, because I have the will to make my choices freely; as does everyone else, even if their lives affect mines. But God can use each of those choices to bring good to the world, if I let Him work in my live. That, to me, is quite the best I could possibly ask of a universal Father.

This is easier to say, of course, than it is to act upon. So what are some ways I can remind myself of God’s goodness when I simply can’t feel it in my lives?

It’s Not Just Me! Those moment I do not feel the connection, when I do not feel his presence as a my father in my life, I should ask for the grace to know I am not alone, and it is not the only one. Everyone goes through moments of feeling that God is far away; it is one way He reminds us that we can’t take on the world alone. It may be difficult, but it’s not wrong to feel this way. I have hard time with this, I always feel alone and lonely in these moments.

Pray First. This is one road many of us find hard to follow in times of struggles and challenges. In our world of many “instant” things and every this right now and fast, prayer is the last to think about. Some of the wisest words I was told by my spiritual director when I lost my closest friend or family member, or even when I felt sad…. was that I was allowed to be angry at God and that I should tell Him(this made me smile). Even yell, if I needed to (who does that). At first I was taken aback by this; if God has a perfect plan, am I not supposed to go along with it? But when I forget that God is so much greater than I, He has never forgotten that I have a more limited view of time than He does. When I forget that God will use everything for my good, He has never forgotten that in the moment, I am still feeling real, human pain.

As any loving Father, He wants to hear it. A valid assuming He knows, or He will read my body language… Noooo! He already knows; OOO YES! but He wants to hear it from me. No relationship benefits from cutting off communication when angry. So that’s where prayer comes in – by “prayer” you don’t have to kneel down or even feel obliged to word things nicely. By “prayer” I mean tell God exactly how you’re hurting when you don’t feel His goodness in your life.

Journaling has been my bitter medicine in both sweet and sour moment. It is a tool in our today world that can be done in many different ways without throwing your dirty leanens to the world. Journaling can benefit you in the good times and the bad. This year I have started reading a gratitude book with keeping a thanksgiving journal in mind starting February. This will help me to write things I’m grateful for, and on days when I don’t feel God is good, it can help to look back on the blessings He has given me. This is harder in the moment than it sounds – but if I can begin with the good, looking back on it during the bad can help me see how there is still light in the darkness.

Likewise, during the unfair moments, moments I feel betrayed and unloved, I am hopping to write down how I feel things are not good, be honest and pray for the grace to let go (but don’t dwell on it long). I know that as time passes, I might be surprised to look back and realize how well things turned out in the end. This doesn’t make everything okay; it often still hurts, the scar may be there or even some other time the wound at still be there. But by allowing the spirit to lead me, I might see how I received the graces I needed, or how my experience prepared me for a future triumph, or how I was able to relate to a friend during their own difficult time.

In the end, God’s goodness is not dependent on the goodness of our own lives at the moment; nor does the one guarantee the other. But it is only through God that anything can be made good at all. God saw His creation as good, and He loves us enough to redeem us. Nothing in our lives will be perfect, but anything used to prepare us for the role God has for us in His kingdom can be good. It doesn’t always feel like it, but our God is Goodness itself.

I am asking you Lord for the grace to stand strong, I am weak, I want to disappear from this world, I want to give up and just go away, but I know you called me and your graces are sufficient for me, I know you are there with me while I walk on wet sand of life, I know you know me, you called me, you see me and you will make all plans for me come to be. Jesus I trust in you.